Exorbitant Noida

When I first heard the news that I was gonna work in Noida, I thought to myself - " Yahoo! Finally I can live in a metro(Okay... at least close to a metro)."

For 4 years I was stuck in a place called Allahabad which, according to claims had an airport, but no one even knew where exactly where it was.Now , I will not claim it was a "shithole" of a place as many others in my college did, but I would say that I would rather stay in a Metro than in Allahabad. First up, I would like to confess frankly that I am a sucker for such things, like living in a metro, hanging out at a mall and frequenting cineplexes.

And so a happy-go person(Yea.. Its me) once goes out to grab a bite of the Italian delicacy - Pizza. And once I exit the apartment, a name strikes me in the face blatantly - DOMINOS. And so, instead of the traditional Pizza hut, I decide to go out to Dominos. I have always admired Dominos for their unique marketing strategies for India. Like the We don't keep knives and forks at Dominos and also the blend of the Mexican Jalapeno with our traditional Paneer and actually make it taste good. Also back in Chennai, I used to a Dominos regular because of its proximity to my house. And so expecting a good feast to dig into, I walk in. And though it has a good ambience with the regular hunger enticing Red theme, the people at the billing counter seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with utter disregard to me standing there. And so, somehow after I got their attention he squirts a question - "Kya?" in a tone devoid of hospitality. Pause... "Sir??"

This is the TRICKY part. Now that he has said Sir, he expects me to believe that he is actually hospitable. And so ignoring his further smirks, I ask him for an offer, to which he replies " Niche tho likha hai... dheko". Literally translated it means "The offers are printed. Take a look for yourself." Figuratively translated it means " I don't give a damn. Why don't you let me enjoy a chat??" I felt thoroughly insulted and vowed never to step foot into the Sector -110 Dominos outlet. Even the Pizza that you get is of the "worstest" quality, with tomatoes that would have rotted had I placed my order a few minutes later. But I'm not really sure whether it was the cheese or the tomatoes that were spoilt. But in essence, the Pizza tasted horrible. And also, they don't throw in any offers unless you have a coupon, which is lame if you ask me. And after the meal, the guy actually refused me a coupon because he had to go downstairs to get it. Eventually I was fed up with the place and left, vowing never to come back again. The service was Terrible.

This is exactly how Noida is. Though you may actually have a place that boasts of a huge mall and good brand outlets to eat, essentially what you have is a crew that has absolutely no regard for customers. I mean, though the security guard at the theatre wishes you "Namaste Saab" , he immediately pushes you inside. His lips are merely programmed to wish people, he doesn't really mean it. This may all seem like one big complaint, but in fact I am writing this post just to show that Noida is exorbitant.
Why the hell would I pay half a grand for something that does not taste like a Pizza? Or why the hell why would I pay a couple of hundred bucks to watch a movie at a theatre that does not allow you to go inside the theatre not earlier than ten minutes before the next movie? Why the hell do they have the lounge then? I'm just one disgruntled customer to them, but because of their monopoly I have no choice but keep going back to them.

That is how Noida is - Exorbitant. All the international brands may set up stores at Noida. But if the staff that run the store are still "Lack of damn giving types", Noida will never truly be a proper Metro. May the gods of Marketing bless these people.

Ponderings - 2

Have you ever wondered why the heart is the symbol of love? Why are people in love constantly making cliched references to the heart? When you are in love, does the Heart really hurt?

To make things clear I'm posting a link. please read it to understand the function of heart and what it does, or in fact what it does not do.
The Human Heart

The brain is the organ that is responsible for all human actions and emotions too. So why exactly is it that people in love constantly use the Heart to feel emotions ?
The only emotion that is not felt by the brain is Love and frankly speaking the reason for that it is because it does require any.

Ponderings - 1

Somehow I fail to understand a few words in English. Let me start with the word "Free".
I get this message from my telecoms subscriber who pretty much is the only person who manages to remember me every day and never fails to message me.

Anyway the message reads as follows:
Free Free Free. Hello tunes absolutely free. Dial 1725 to listen to Hello tunes absolutely free.
Call charges Rs 10 per minute. Hello tune charges Rs 30 per month and download charges Rs 10/song.

Since I receive these messages everyday, I'm quite confused about the meaning of "free".
And touching upon the topic, I would like to also ask this question: Who the hell pays for a tune that you never get to listen to? I mean how crazy should I be to pay for something that some annoying telemarketer is going to listen to while I take my own sweet time to answer the phone.

The only real time that you get to listen to your caller tune is when you have lost your cellphone. So enjoy listening to your hello tunes at that time.

Top ten fantasies

Here is a somewhat inspired post, been planning to publish it for many days....

My top ten fantasies:

1.Do bungee jumping from the highest bridge in the world.
2.Get a wax replica of myself at Madame Tussuad's.
3.Experience weightlessness for 2 minutes.
4.Star on one Seinfeld episode.
5.Leave my footprints on the moon and Mt. Everest.
6.Do stand-up in front of a crowd of over a thousand people.
7.Experience Mach-3 speed.
8.Backpack/hitchhike through Europe.
9.Have a near death experience caught on tape.(mine)
10.Make this list into a movie :)

Housefull

Here are a few things I learnt from watching the movie housefull

1.The Venetian Macao is a one of a kind casino where they play games in which surprisingly everyone wins or everyone loses. And there are some people who sit there expecting to hit the jackpot everytime in the slot machine. Seriously what was the probability that you expected to win in a slot machine??? And when you dont win, why the hell do you get irritated???
So the hero works as a bad luck charm in this casino. This is a message to all the geeks at MIT and from the movie 21. Beat this system you bitches. And so one fine day the hero decides to move from here to London.
And since he has the keys to the apartment of his friend whom he has not seen in years, he starts sleeping on his bed. But it is a very friendly neighbourhood run by hip hop gangs. So there is this hero's friend who works at a casino and his wife who is the waitress there, which brings us to conclusion 2.
2. Brain drain is a scam.Europe is a place that is filled with Indians who are either rich Casino owners or poor Bartenders, there are no Indians who are software engineers.
The hero interrupts the normal life of his friend, and to make up for his mistake, he buys them a 'Vegeterian Tiger'. Here we are searching for the 1400 odd tigers left in India, and there they are in London.
There is a brilliant casino owner who has 500 million pounds and a very 'beautiful' daughter. He marries her off to the hero and send them on their honeymoon. So the hero has got 500 million pounds the second day of his stay in London, indeed he is an unlucky guy.
And so they set off on their honeymoon, the wife wearing the only dress she ever has - the wedding dress. And then she ditches him for some random dude wearing a cap (BENNY):ROFL. So fast forward to meet Deepika. They fall in love.
Now the problem starts. Deepika's brother, referred to as 'Anna'(brother in tamil), works for the Indian Military Intelligence.
3. Tamil words are spoken by telugu people. They dont really matter as they are all South Indians.
He is seen interrogating a terrorist with a "Polygraph"(a real one). Since the hero is jobless and has no money, he has to fool the Anna, which is not a real problem considering the fact that he is only the head of the Intelligence Dept. He comes to the "Buckingham Palace" to receive a medal for "opening the mouths of terrorists". And so he is made a fool of by them; by renting the biggest house in London which does not raise any suspicions.
And so there are really good scenes at the house, of which I would like to advise about certain things. First of all, Hanky Panky is not a term for Intercourse. And second, When you copy from a tamil movie(Kathala Kathala), please make sure to change the background scores so that we dont find out.
But one day Anna tests him with a portable miniature version of the Real Lie Detector. Convinced that he is truly in love, they patch things up. Fast forward to the Buckingham Palace, where they allow you to mess with the Air conditioners resulting in a massive laugh riot at the Palace and at the "Theatre" too. Story ends with the hero confessing everything during the Laugh riot and the Anna forgiving him.
4. One cylinder of Nitrous oxide is enough to make one whole palace laugh and its side effects (in non Hindi folk) include the ability to understand and comprehend Hindi.
PS : If I have missed some parts, then it means that those parts were so damn boring that I was forced to miss them. Anyways I'm open to comments. :D

Phoonk 2

The story concerns the holiday tour of a family of lunatics...Little do they know that it is their last holiday Muahahaha(or) and they end up taking a tour out of this world...(or) they take an eternal holiday from life[ okay im gonna stop doing that]
They find a holiday house at some unknown place in India where there is a deserted beach and a very densely populated jungle adjoining it, so there is a bungalow in the middle of this jungle cum beach, and there is this real estate dealer who deals in real estate in an area in the middle of the jungle cum beach, but frankly i find it hard to believe that he is a real estate agent when he knows nothing about the house except where the bedrooms are. But considering that the family is lunatic, he fares better. The little girl keeps staring at crows and lizards and the small boy who keeps blabbering things that we all know , trying to be innocent are all characters who deserve to be killed on screen, hence the movie...

And so it begins... the children are playing in the beach and they stumble onto the jungle where they find a really cute doll which they carry back home and since they have absolutely no other toys to play with all their attention is paid to the doll. And here is the unexpected twist to the story... the doll that they find is actually possessed.
Enter the Sister of the hero with a Husband who I am not really sure whether is an american or an indian. Taking into accounts his clothes and Awesome Antique Camera, he seems an american tourist. Cutting straight to the crap, there is this ghost that decides to kill the family.

The ghost first appears in the doll, and according to the rules of classic soul transfer, it later occupies the body of the hero's wife. And she threatens to kill all his loved ones one by one. Now that's a sadistic jobless ghost. And so she lives up to her promise and starts killing all that the hero loves, starting with the Watchman and the Housemaid. Apparently, he loved them. Now this leads one to question the nature of the hero's relationship with the two deceased.

As usual, there is a Magician with red eyes and traditional attire, who seems to know everything and seems he can control every ghost EXCEPT this one ghost. And so he is confronted by the doll, and let me remind you... The doll kicks ass.... Frankly speaking if I were ever beaten up by a DOLL, I would commit suicide, better that the magician was killed by the doll itself.

Next target is the sister, here is where you get a good clear view of the ghost for a full ten seconds after which the face appears to be just a normal neighbourhood face which does not really scare you later on.

And here are some rules that should have been followed but each of them were broken:
http://www.savageresearch.com/humor/horrorMovieRules.html

The story ends when the hero who is stabbed 3 times with a knife fights off the ghost when his possessed wife attacks her own child, the hero is forced to kill her.: SOB :SOB

End of part 2.

Paatshala - get educated

As suggested by the title, I already feel a bit more educated... do not go to a movie just cos nana patekar is there.... this movie is about a school, set in mumbai... nothing special about the school except that there are only two standards in the school, the II standard and XII standard..... the rest of the standards do not seem to be present, fair enough, it has a faculty of about 12 people, out of which one is a nutritionist, a post that seems very necessary.... yea but thats cos she is the heroine... the rest of the stuff includes a PT teacher who is never seen playing any sport at all, but is keen on delivering dialogues.... and then there is the usual psychotic physics teacher blabbering about NASA.... there is also a hindi teacher who talks completely in hindi in the first scene... strangely she seems to have forgotten that she has to keep it up in the subsequent scenes... to head all these stereotype lunatics is the stereotypical principal (nana patekar) who never smiles....

enter hero shahid kapoor-english teacher.... a girl student takes instant interest in him, but this gay ba5!3rd seems more interested in the boys of the school, shaking hands and hugging them a bit too much... going on to the classes, shahid takes a music class- the children have a lot of fun while he plays the guitar... all the while they are Learning music[:P].... i cud not really comprehend how dey were learning music while listening to someone play....
note to shahid : U R NOT AAMIR KHAN....

And then there is the ugly kid at school... who has no friends and is friends with a bitch ( as in female dog)... shahid decides to change his life... the next day he keeps an exhibit of little puppies and the children flock to them, they are chased away by that bitch... but the ugly guy seems to bond with the puppies very well... then the following scene happens :

Shahid : look at how he bonds with the dogs. all dogs understand him...
Children : we too understand him and we too want to bond with him ... :hurray :yahoo

Now seriously, what part of this conversation did they not understand??? dogs understand him... 2 seconds later, children are dying to understand him... incomprehensible to me....

There is also the watchman who has studied upto the 5th standard.... OMG!!!!
this guy gives a speech about how he tried so hard and studied upto the fifth standard.... he travelled many kilometres every day to get to his school, fought wild animals on the way and did this twice everyday and he studied...and he was thankful to that... why wud one be thankful to something like that ?????(bill cosby stand up)....

Now move on to the core story.... the school management decides to raise the fees in order to make the students quit, so that they could sell the land to real estate.... so they introduce a talent show in the school.... HATS OFF to them... trying to chase away children by organising a talent show....

In one of the shows, a child comes up and starts a cookery show... he is expected to say two lines... JUST TWO LINES.... he is not able to deliver the dialogue.... and he is chucked out... but starts crying all of a sudden about how he stayed up all night memorising his lines... What the heck?? if he cannot memorise even two lines, i really dont see him being able to perform a cookery show... hence another child replaces him....and by accident chilli powder falls into the child's eyes... and the teacher reacts as if superman has been struck by kryptonite... the cameraman meanwhile has it all recorded for the show 'planet's most funniest videos'....

To fight against all these atrocities(so called atrocities).... the students strike against the school... this creates a sensation for the media.... I never knew we could get media attention so easily... and so since these students strike, there is so much pressure on the Government... they take the case up in the parliament....OMG!!!!!... I know our politicians are jobless, but not to such an extent... and since there is so much media coverage with all news channels flocking to cover the strike of barely a hundred students.... the EDUCATION MINISTER feels that his party's outcome would be affected in the next elections... so he pressurises the management... and so the principal decides to resign.... one more day and it would have become a national emergency... thank god...

In the end, the principal reveals what the problem was actually... he doesent actually give any solution to the problem... but his very inspiring(read boring) speech signifies the end of the movie.... now it was time to wake up and leave the theatre...